ThreeStrikesandOut

Yeah, it’s been a bad day for the former “Fastest Man In the World”, Tim Montgomery.

On Friday, Montgomery was sentenced for four years in prison, for forgetting that when you write alot of checks, you need to have alot of money.  If you don’t, you may have to go somewhere where you pay in cigarettes and anal trade.

Things may get even worse for Montgomery, as the judge told him that he’s probably going to get more time for charges of peddling heroin.  Montgomery could get as many as five years.  At least Montgomery had a good defense.  And by good defense, of course I mean that he blamed everyone else:

Montgomery told the judge he had let other people run his life, right down to deciding what to eat for breakfast. And his lawyer, Timothy Heaphy, said Montgomery had been led astray by, among others, track superstar Marion Jones. Jones, who had a son with Montgomery, is serving her own six-month prison term for lying about Montgomery’s involvement in the check scam and about her use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Too bad for Montgomery, he got a smart-ass judge:

” ‘You should commit bank fraud’ is not the same as ‘You should eat Wheaties,’ ” (Judge) Karas said. “There is not a single shred of evidence here that this was anyone else’s fault.”

Oooooooh! Burn!  Montgomery may have made more bad life and career decisions than anyone not named Mike Tyson.  Some of Montgomery’s mistakes:

• Writing bad checks/money laundering
• Possibly using steroids
• Allegedly selling heroin
• Eating Wheaties
• Wearing a white t-shirt and jeans to court
• Getting involved with Marion Jones
• Seeing Marion Jones naked
• Sticking his thingy in Marion Jones
• Getting caught at all of the above

Nothing good comes out of trying to be too fast.  I remember reading a comic when I was a kid, and in it, The Flash got killed trying to save the universe.  I remember thinking “F**k that super-speed s**t, give me the X-Ray vision, so I can see Batgirl’s titties.” Now, looking back on that event years later, I am amazed by the intelligence that I showed as a young pervert.  I mean come on, all the titties that you can look at, or the ability to run a zillion miles an hour?  Do you know how much it would hurt if you ran into a telephone pole going that fast?

Tim Montgomery knows.

Sorry, Tim; I hope you get your life together, but today I’m piling on.  You’re the Whiffer of the Week.

ESPN

So let us see what’s in the news today…The Tampa Bay Rays are in first place, and it’s not opening day.  That fact, is a harbinger that Death, Pestilence, War, and Famine will be coming to a town near you for a one-time, final performance of the End of the World.  Be ready.

In other news, the Yankees are in last place.  This comes as no shock to any of us over-demanding Yankees fans, who have gotten used to seeing this team among the cellar-dwellers in April and May.  This team is like Bea Arthur on a treadmill.  It takes a little while to get their old ass up on it, but eventually it gets going.  In honor of the ineptitude of the Yankees performance in recent weeks, your Site of the Night is an article by John Heyman at SI.com, talking about; of course, Hank’s disappointment with the team, as well as the possibility that a Yankees version of Family Feud is going to erupt before the season is finished.

Until next time, remember:

Supergirl is hot.

And she has an oral fixation.  Look at how happy she is to be holding that sucker.  Watch how she holds it, carressing it between her soft, smooth fingers, smiling widely before she takes it to her lips and…

I have to go now.

So okay, this is sports-related only in the very loosest definition of the words sports and related, but hey KO used to host SportsCenter, and until just the last year or so, he was still on sports radio with Dan Patrick, so I don’t feel too bad.

The short and the skinny, is that Olbermann loses his mind talking about President Bush not playing golf anymore. Meltdowns are cool. But sonofabitch this one goes on forever.

This would be a great time to bring back Celebrity Deathmatch and do Olbermann Vs. Bush. A claymation Dan Patrick could provide commentary, “En Fuego! En Fuego, The president just set Keith on fire, Oh my God!”. Then Patrick would, of course, have to interfere and try to help his old buddy out, only to find that the two of them fell into Bush’s trap, as he would show them, and the world that he’s been hiding those weapons of mass destruction in the one place that no one would ever look for them.

His pants.

Winner: George W. with the Crotch Rocket to the head for the finish.

Threestrikesandout has no political preference whatsoever. I tend to think that both sides are equally idiotic and agenda-driven, and talk so damn much that they never hear anything. That being said, go vote for somebody, in November. I don’t care who. Vote for Roger ‘freaking Rabbit if you want.

Griffey paid back the 1500 bucks that he owed Josh Fogg which is good. It’s always good to pay your bets.

It’s not always good to pay them in pennies, which Griffey did.

Oh well, you know what they say, “pennies is like dollars”, only they’re worth less, they smell funny, and strippers get really, really pissed when you try to stick them down their g-string. “DING!”  I’ve got it! That’s the way to keep PacMan Jones out of the strip club!  Pay him in pennies!

Maybe that’s not such a good idea after all.  Pac might still try to make it rain, and in the process kill a half-dozen people.

SportsbyBrooks

Because it’s my website and I can do this stuff, your Site of the Night is FastMachines.com and the post is written by; well, me of course.  The well-written, thought-provoking, piece of sports writing gold; is about the lack of a signature, great moment in NASCAR’s recent history, and about how most of the sport’s history happened prior to the last 10 years.  If you enjoy racing, check it out, if you don’t, I’m not mad, go look at porn or something.

Until next time, I remain.

Your hero and role model.