ThreeStrikesandOut

Good God, my life would be so much better if these two guys simultaneously burst into flames. Literally that is, because Lord knows they’ve done it enough on the pitching mound for the Yankees. The highest payroll in baseball and the best that they can do is a destitute man’s Greg Maddux (if Maddux sucked) and a guy in Farnsworth whose very presence causes hitters batting 220 to suddenly turn into Barry Bonds. Farnsworth has caused so many fires on the mound that he makes Smokey the Bear have nightmares about tall, ugly, white boys with no movement on their fastball.

Mussina’s arm is dead. Farnsworth’s arm is useless, and both of these guys should have been dumped last season. In Farnsworth’s case when the crowd starting booing him the year before last; why wasn’t anyone listening? When he steps out of the dugout, I turn the f’n channel because I know what’s about to happen. Either a one run lead is going to turn into a three-run deficit or a three-run deficit is going to turn into, “Damn we lost by how many?” I’m secure in the knowledge that everytime that Big K walks out on the field that he’s going to magically cause something ignorant to happen. You can practically see his teammates rolling their eyes and thinking “Jesus Christ, we still have this guy?” whenever that he walks out onto the mound.

And Mussina. I don’t care how many victories that Mussina has, if there is anyone who thinks that this guy was an above-average pitcher, their brain is deader than Mussina’s lifeless arm.

What brought this rant on was the annihilation of these two during Thursday’s Yankees’ loss to the Red Sox. It’s not the fact that the Yanks lost; it’s just one game early in the season, the win the night before didn’t mean that much, and neither does this loss. It’s the fact that I’ve seen this story play out so many times now that I’m sick of watching it happen. Mussina either pitches well for five innings and then gets lit up; or he gets lit up from jump street and doesn’t make it out of the third inning. And when Farnsworth comes in you might as well just wave the white flag, take out your starters, and start congratulating the other team.

It’s funny the differences between these two guys. Mussina is so scared to throw inside that batters get 3/4 of the plate when he’s pitching and it’s no secret that you can dust Yankee hitters all day in a Mussina-pitched game because he doesn’t have his teammates backs (on the field or in the media, remember the A-Rod blast a couple of seasons ago). But, Farnsworth is at the other end of that spectrum, and when things start getting away from him he throws 98 MPH fastballs at people’s craniums.

In this battle of extreme suckitude there are no real winners, and I’m the biggest loser at all for having to watch my team’s fortunes hing on the hope that either of these two will show up at the ball park without their fucking ski masks and actually earn their money for a change.

Here’s video of the First Take crew debating whether or not Farnsworth intended to throw at Manny Ramirez. Of course he did. I hate having to agree with Skip Bayless, it gives me intestinal issues. If Manny had charged the mound, I would have at that moment started cheering for Manny to turn into a giant fire-eating dragon and devour Farnsworth with one bite. And even though the crowd cheered when Farnsworth threw at Manny, I bet that Ramirez devouring Kyle would garner one of the loudest standing ovations ever given to an opposing player. Three cheers for Manny Being Dragon.