Would You Play Grand Theft Sportscenter?
Since today commemorates the release of Grand Theft Auto IV (what? you missed it? where the hell have you been living, there’s a GTA IV commercial every-time a child claps it’s hands). Anyways, as usual the game will get alot of pub in the press due to the graphicness of it’s violent gameplay and the low regard with which it seems to hold human life. No to mention the fact that it’s wicked cool. Which got me thinking; one thing that this game needs badly, is a create-a-character. There are a few people floating around the sports world that would fit in perfectly in the dark world that GTA promotes. And in hopes that the next series will have such an option, I have taken the liberty of creating a few characters that would be perfect for the criminal world of GTA V which will take place in a Bristol, Connecticut where things have gone horribly awry a world know as New Bristol. Let the cast of misfits begin:
Tony Caramello: A young man from New York, whose penchant for chocolate and hitting from behind, have made him one of the most widely feared up-and-comers in the world of crime. In this dark world of danger, Caramello is a superstar, whose only draw-back is that he sometimes fails to follow through on orders, and has in the past been responsible for the demise of many a partner. Caramello is tough, dangerous, and not to be trusted.
Atari Smith: Atari is as bad as they get. Nicknamed “The Rain Man” because of his penchant for making it rain blood upon his enemies; Atari is the owner of a set of strip clubs where some of the most violent crimes in New Bristol take place. There are rumors that at one time Smith was a great athlete, and there is the hint of that in his build, but there is no doubt that he is a born criminal mastermind who will stop at nothing to ruin the lives of any who might challenge him. He is considered a very dangerous man who likes his women and his money, and God help anyone who stands in his way.
Johnny Cardinal: Considered by many to be the mad genius of New Bristol, Johnny Cardinal has made his fortune off the strength of his army of super-criminals, who are rumored to be injected with a non-street drug that increases their strength, stamina, and reaction times, making them much more dangerous than the average street thug. If Cardinal has one weakness though, it is a love for drink, and that weakness has kept him from becoming the number one crime figure in New Bristol. He is fiercely loyal to his men and they are to him. Cardinal himself is not considered dangerous, but be warned, he will have back-up, and they will be large.
The Hoody: No one knows his true identity but this elusive mystery man controls New Bristol with his vast collection of videotapes. No one is safe, as no sin is too small for The Hoody to have a record of. He is rumored to have the dirt on everyone from politicians, to Hollywood stars, to some of the most dangerous men in the world. He is backed up by one of the most reliable crime generals in the world, a man known world-round as a cold-blooded killer who has a love of super-models that is almost as great as his love of crime and money. This duo is extremely dangerous. As residents of Philadelphia, St. Louis, and North Carolina found out, they will demolish not only your lives, but your very dreams.
Then there is this man, the most controversial figure in all of New Bristol. Once one of the most respected men in the world, the man know as F.U. Piazza has turned into one of the most hated men in all of the world. After years of success in the business world, it was revealed that F.U. earned most of his millions through illegal means, and used a system of intimidation to keep his enemies silent. His own drug use is spoken of in hushed tones and there are many who suggest that some of his worst crimes may have been done behind closed doors with young women of questionable ages. F.U. has repeatedly been hauled into court after court and his system is simple. Deny, deny, deny. To this point his system has worked and as of yet even the United States Government has been unable to stop his reign of terror.
Those are just a few, I could go on forever. This post was meant as a satire so none of you folks better come and sue me. Keep your mugshots off The Smoking Gun next time.
