ThreeStrikesandOut

Five questions that I would totally not have the balls to ask Michael Phelps, and unlikely possible (fictional) answers that he might give:

Warning to those of you without a sense of humor, this post is satirical in nature, not a real interview with Mr. Phelps (for real, the guy is in China), now stop reading and go drink some sewer water:

TSAO: So Michael, congratulations on your performance. How does it feel to have people talking about you possibly winning eight gold medals?

Fake Mike: Just trying to get this cheddah yo. You know it’s all about the bling-bling.

TSAO: Really? I never had you pegged as a gangsta. If that’s the case, what did you think about the French team talking junk before your meet the other night?

Fake Mike: Thought I was gonna come out the pool firing on bitches. I’ll pop a cap in a Frenchy like that!

TSAO: Good to know. After taking the Olympics by storm, how does it feel to be the role model for a whole generation of American kids who have never really been that into swimming?

Fake Mike: I’m nobody’s role model. If they come up and try to be like me, I’ll just have to beat them too. No hard feelings, that’s just the way I roll. These is my medals. They need to go play baseball or something and leave the pool to me. It’s my ground. I ain’t playin’; I’ll end somebody.

TSAO: What do you think of Mark Spitz not being there to watch you possibly break his record of eight gold medals?

Fake Mike: Don’t want him there. He might try to start something. The world should know, it ain’t nothing for Michael Phelps to smack a Spitz.

TSAO: Er…Okay. Final question. What do you think of critics that say that the new suit is helping swimmers achieve times that there is no way they could naturally achieve. I even heard one person say that the suit was the same as steroids. What do you think of those claims.

Fake Mike: Man, let those punks say that to Michael Phelps’ face. I’m all real. Don’t you know steroids shrink your boys down? Please, Michael Phelps is all male. I’ll beat their asses in a speedo, in a swimsuit, in trunks, or in my bare ass. Please. This interview is over, Michael Phelps has medals to go win.

TSAO: Best of luck Michael, it must be great having your life?

Fake Mike: It’s like Puffy say man, mo money, mo problems.

TSAO: For shizzle.

Fake Mike: Whatever. You ain’t got sh**. Now get out of here while Michael Phelps lets you walk away.

TSAO: Whatever, Aquaman.

Fake Mike: What did you call me! Yeah, that’s right you better run. Good thing for you we’re on land or I would have already beaten you into oblivion! Somebody get me a slip and slide so I can catch this punk!

TSAO: Later, dude.