ThreeStrikesandOut

Warning to those of you without a sense of humor, this post is satirical in nature, and not a real interview with Mr. Fulmer (I don’t think that he’s going to be doing interviews for a while) now stop reading and step into the lights of an oncoming vehicle.

(Also, I know it’s more than five questions, but hey, don’t complain about free stuff.)

TSAO: Well coach, I’d like to thank you for joining us on such short notice, after what was surely a disappointing loss today to Florida.

Fake Fulmer: Why thanks. But what’s this about there being a game today? We ran a practice squad out there against that nice Tebow boy, but we didn’t actually play a game. That was just a scrimmage.

TSAO: Are you sure about that coach? I mean, the game was on CBS.

Fake Fulmer: Oh sure. Trust me. Me and Coach Meyer put this together every year. It gives his team a little experience for when they really start their schedule. Trust me, if this was a real game, I’d not be this happy with our performance today. But, as it is, I think that we learned a few things about our team today, that we can really use to get better as the real season gets going. Gotta really gear up for that big rivalry game with Kentucky. Gotta be careful not to look past Auburn. They’re a pretty good team.

TSAO: Er, okay. Let’s just go ahead and get started. Disappointing start to the season so far coach, what do you have to say to the people who are starting to say that this is not Tennessee Football and that there is a change that needs to be made? (more…)

Five questions that I would totally not have the balls to ask Michael Strahan, and unlikely possible (fictional) answers that he might give:

Warning to those of you without a sense of humor, this post is satirical in nature, and not a real interview with Mr. Strahan, now stop reading and go guzzle some drano.

TSAO: Well, Michael, I appreciate you taking the time to do this interview, you’ve been one of my favorites for a long, long time, and I suppose you know what my first questions going to be?

Fake Strahan: Yeah, you probably want to know why I didn’t want to play anymore.

TSAO: Nah, that’s old news.

Fake Strahan: Then what do you want to ask?

TSAO: Who’s your favorite Care Bear?

Fake Strahan: Wrinkles forhead, That’s your first question?

TSAO: Yep.

Fake Strahan: Breaks into huge grin, I thought no one was ever going to ask me that! God, where do I start? There are just so many. I mean there’s Good Luck Bear, and Bedtime Bear, but my favorite would have to be, reaches into back pocket and pulls a faded photo out of his wallet, this one!

Play-a-lot Bear f’n rules! That’s who I’d like to think that I modeled my whole career after.

TSAO: Very insightful. Okay, Michael, with my next few questions I’m going to give you a name, and I want you to tell me what Care Bear they remind you of the most. First, Eli Manning?

Fake Strahan: Gotta be Champ Bear. He’s such a competitor, he comes from such a great family, and he’s just a natural winner. Great leader. Glad, I could help him win a Super Bowl.

TSAO: Tom Coughlin?

Fake Strahan: Laughs, That’s an easy one, he’s Grumpy Bear.

TSAO: Plaxico Burress?

Fake Strahan: Frowns, I like Plax, but man, he’s just a total Me Bear all the way. It’s always about his contract, or his money, or his sometimes hurt knee. This one time, I tried to get him to let me borrow his PSP and he was all like-NO! Total Me Bear.

TSAO: Osi Umenyiora?

Fake Strahan: Wrinkles his nose, He’s a Messy Bear. This one time he had this girl…

TSAO: We’ll leave that one alone there Michael, I think we all know what Osi likes to do in his free time. I know that’s five, but I’d like to ask you one more if that’s okay?

Fake Strahan: Shoot.

TSAO: Tom Brady?

Fake Strahan: Wish Bear. Cause I wish that I could be giving sweet lovin’ to Gisele, and he wishes that we hadn’t beat him in the Super Bowl last year. But, you know what they say, if wishes and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas.

TSAO: And with that little bit of knowledge, we’ll close this debacle. Thanks Michael. Take care of those dolls.

Fake Strahan: They’re not dolls, they’re bears!

TSAO: Whatever, Retires-a-lot Bear.

Five questions that I would totally not have the balls to ask Kobe Bryant, and unlikely possible (fictional) answers that he might give:

Warning to those of you without a sense of humor, this post is satirical in nature, not a real interview with Mr. Kobe (for real, the guy is in China hanging with Aquaman), now stop reading and go slide down a giant razor blade.

TSAO: Kobe, it’s a pleasure, I’ve been wanting to do this for a while…

Fake Kobe: I didn’t rape that girl.

TSAO: Excuse me?

Fake Kobe: I did not rape that girl in that hotel room in Colorado. Just wanted to clear that up.

TSAO: All right, I wasn’t going to ask about it, but okay. So, how does it feel to be in China at the Olympics, representing your country, and being a leader on the team that is trying to get the gold medal back for the United States?

Fake Kobe: Feels better than going to court on some trumped up rape charge. Because there’s no way I raped that girl.

TSAO: I think that we have established that. So, being on the Olympic team is better than going to court for rape. Got it. How good does it feel to be on a team with stars like LeBron James and Dwight Howard?

Fake Kobe: LeBron’s great, he’s like a younger, less-talented version of me. He’s like my little brother in lots of ways and I try to hit him up with my wisdom whenever I can. I mean, If I’ve told him once, I’ve told him 1000 times, “LeBron, one of these days you’re going to have a woman approach you in a hotel somewhere, (probably Colorado), and you’re going to have to decide if the possibility of some other-worldly type sex, is worth the diamond that you’re going to have to buy your lady, when you find yourself innocently dragged to court for a rape that didn’t happen.”  He’s a good kid, he’ll make the right choices.

TSAO: Well, good.  If you don’t mind, I’d really like to get away from the rape thing, it’s in the past, charges were dropped, and it’s making me uncomfortable. What do you think of the way that comments you’ve made about possibly playing in Italy ,if the price is right, have been received in Los Angeles?

Fake Kobe: They asked me if I’d play in Italy for 50 million dollars. Hell, yeah I’d play in Italy for 50 million dollars. That would buy Vanessa like 10 rings and a necklace. Plus, Italian women are some freaks, and they’re not always claiming that you tried to rape them.

TSAO: Okay, this interview is going nowhere. Just one more question if that’s cool with you?

Fake Kobe: Sure.

TSAO: So, how does Shaq’s ass taste?

Fake Kobe: Why you son of a…Nah, I’ll answer that question…Shaq was always trying to over-shadow me. I play better than he does, I look better than he does, hell, I even rap better than he does. Just lay me down a beat…MY NAME IS KOBE AND I’M THE BEST, I DID NOT TOUCH THAT LADY’S BREAST…Sheesh solid gold, just like the Olympics. Don’t put that on YouTube, I’m trying to watch my image.

TSAO: Right. No problem, Jordan Jr.

Fake Kobe: What?

TSAO: Nothing, thanks for your time.

Fake Kobe: You’re welcome. I love doing interviews. You haven’t seen Stephen A. around have you?

TSAO: We travel in different circles.

Five questions that I would totally not have the balls to ask Michael Phelps, and unlikely possible (fictional) answers that he might give:

Warning to those of you without a sense of humor, this post is satirical in nature, not a real interview with Mr. Phelps (for real, the guy is in China), now stop reading and go drink some sewer water:

TSAO: So Michael, congratulations on your performance. How does it feel to have people talking about you possibly winning eight gold medals?

Fake Mike: Just trying to get this cheddah yo. You know it’s all about the bling-bling.

TSAO: Really? I never had you pegged as a gangsta. If that’s the case, what did you think about the French team talking junk before your meet the other night?

Fake Mike: Thought I was gonna come out the pool firing on bitches. I’ll pop a cap in a Frenchy like that!

TSAO: Good to know. After taking the Olympics by storm, how does it feel to be the role model for a whole generation of American kids who have never really been that into swimming?

Fake Mike: I’m nobody’s role model. If they come up and try to be like me, I’ll just have to beat them too. No hard feelings, that’s just the way I roll. These is my medals. They need to go play baseball or something and leave the pool to me. It’s my ground. I ain’t playin’; I’ll end somebody.

TSAO: What do you think of Mark Spitz not being there to watch you possibly break his record of eight gold medals?

Fake Mike: Don’t want him there. He might try to start something. The world should know, it ain’t nothing for Michael Phelps to smack a Spitz.

TSAO: Er…Okay. Final question. What do you think of critics that say that the new suit is helping swimmers achieve times that there is no way they could naturally achieve. I even heard one person say that the suit was the same as steroids. What do you think of those claims.

Fake Mike: Man, let those punks say that to Michael Phelps’ face. I’m all real. Don’t you know steroids shrink your boys down? Please, Michael Phelps is all male. I’ll beat their asses in a speedo, in a swimsuit, in trunks, or in my bare ass. Please. This interview is over, Michael Phelps has medals to go win.

TSAO: Best of luck Michael, it must be great having your life?

Fake Mike: It’s like Puffy say man, mo money, mo problems.

TSAO: For shizzle.

Fake Mike: Whatever. You ain’t got sh**. Now get out of here while Michael Phelps lets you walk away.

TSAO: Whatever, Aquaman.

Fake Mike: What did you call me! Yeah, that’s right you better run. Good thing for you we’re on land or I would have already beaten you into oblivion! Somebody get me a slip and slide so I can catch this punk!

TSAO: Later, dude.

Five questions that I would totally not have the balls to ask Brett Favre, and unlikely possible (fictional) answers that he might give:

Warning to those of you without senses of humor, this is satire, not a real interview with Brett, now stop reading and go play in the knife drawer.

TSAO: What’s the next thing that you’re going to do to Aaron Rodgers now that you’ve completely undermined his playing ability, his leadership ability, and his popularity?

Fake Brett: Well, I figured that I might pour sugar into his gas tank while having anal sex with his mother.

TSAO: Wow, that’s hardcore.

Fake Brett: Yeah, gas is pretty expensive these days, especially on what a back-up makes.

TSAO: What do you really think of the Packers offer of $25 million to stay home?

Fake Brett: I’m insulted. I love football. It would take at least 30 million to make me go away. 25 is a joke.

TSAO: Where do you think you could go if you were to be traded? What teams would want you?

Fake Brett: Anywhere I wanted. I’m better than every other quarterback in the league anyways. No doubt the only reason I’m not hearing from any of them except the Jets and the Bucs is because the Packers are keeping them away from me. They’re stealing my mail, they’ve got my phone tapped, and I’m pretty sure that I saw that rat McCarthy peeping through my window. That’s why they hire that White House guy. I hear he’s an expert in the ways of espionage. But, I don’t care where I go. I just want to play football. Except in Tampa. Or New York. Minnesota would be nice though. I mean, name one quarterback better than me?

TSAO: Tom Brady?

Fake Brett: What’s he ever done? Not only am I a better quarterback than him, I could pull hotter chicks if I weren’t happily married. I mean, have you seen some of the horses that guy dates?

TSAO: Yeah, real horses, Brett. Next question: What do you have to say to those Green Bay fans who think that it would be better for you to have stayed retired?

Fake Brett: ARE YOU KIDDIN’ ME! No true Green Bay fan would ever say that! I’m Brett Favre. I’m on the cover of Madden. I can kill a deer with a bb gun from 100 miles away. I can throw a football through a Redwood tree. I can make John Madden cry like a little girl. No person in their right mind would ever say that. I mean who’s better than me? How many interceptions in the playoffs has Aaron Rodgers thrown? That’s what I thought, none!

TSAO: Um….right moving right along. Final question: Does Chris Mortensen spit or swallow?

Fake Brett: What’s that supposed to mean? Hey, get back here you little…

TSAO: Good luck, Brett!