Yeah, it’s been a bad day for the former “Fastest Man In the World”, Tim Montgomery.
On Friday, Montgomery was sentenced for four years in prison, for forgetting that when you write alot of checks, you need to have alot of money. If you don’t, you may have to go somewhere where you pay in cigarettes and anal trade.
Things may get even worse for Montgomery, as the judge told him that he’s probably going to get more time for charges of peddling heroin. Montgomery could get as many as five years. At least Montgomery had a good defense. And by good defense, of course I mean that he blamed everyone else:
Montgomery told the judge he had let other people run his life, right down to deciding what to eat for breakfast. And his lawyer, Timothy Heaphy, said Montgomery had been led astray by, among others, track superstar Marion Jones. Jones, who had a son with Montgomery, is serving her own six-month prison term for lying about Montgomery’s involvement in the check scam and about her use of performance-enhancing drugs.
Too bad for Montgomery, he got a smart-ass judge:
” ‘You should commit bank fraud’ is not the same as ‘You should eat Wheaties,’ ” (Judge) Karas said. “There is not a single shred of evidence here that this was anyone else’s fault.”
Oooooooh! Burn! Montgomery may have made more bad life and career decisions than anyone not named Mike Tyson. Some of Montgomery’s mistakes:
- Writing bad checks/money laundering
- Possibly using steroids
- Allegedly selling heroin
- Eating Wheaties
- Wearing a white t-shirt and jeans to court
- Getting involved with Marion Jones
- Seeing Marion Jones naked
- Sticking his thingy in Marion Jones
- Getting caught at all of the above
Nothing good comes out of trying to be too fast. I remember reading a comic when I was a kid, and in it, The Flash got killed trying to save the universe. I remember thinking “F**k that super-speed s**t, give me the X-Ray vision, so I can see Batgirl’s titties.” Now, looking back on that event years later, I am amazed by the intelligence that I showed as a young pervert. I mean come on, all the titties that you can look at, or the ability to run a zillion miles an hour? Do you know how much it would hurt if you ran into a telephone pole going that fast?
Tim Montgomery knows.
Sorry, Tim; I hope you get your life together, but today I’m piling on. You’re the Whiffer of the Week.
ESPN
