ThreeStrikesandOut

Wow.  Talk about looking like someone just interrupted a fight at the trailer park.  Jessica totally has that, “I”m sorry, don’t leave my broke a$$” look, and Tony looks like he wants to get a piece of someone.  Preferably, someone smaller than the average NFL defensive tackle.  Or defensive end.  Or cornerback.  Or coach.  Or water boy.  Or announcer.  Or cheerleader.  No wait!  I think he’s not fragile enough to be beaten up by a cheerleader.  That’ll do friends.  That’ll do.

Oh, and since I’ve got a moment to reflect on Jessica Simpson’s country career, here goes:

WTF.  I’ve heard stray cats mating outside my window that had a better sound.  Jessica needs to lock herself in a room with some old Tammy Wynette and Loretta Lynn albums, a bottle (or two) of Southern Comfort, and a three-legged dog.  Then she should come out with the realization that the best thing that she can do for country music is to leave it alone.

I mean hasn’t Tug McGraw’s kid done enough damage to the genre without you adding to it?

So what you’re saying is that Kid Rock’s illegitimate brother is no longer a Giant huh?  From Fox:

The Giants have agreed to trade their disgruntled tight end to the New Orleans Saints for a second-round pick and a fifth-round pick. The deal is pending league approval, according to a league source. Shockey must also pass a physical.

This news fills me with a bit of sadness and puts me in a bit of a quandary.  I had almost deserted my Giants fanhood a few years ago when Shockey had that fanatical rookie season, and it was an interest in watching him play that caused my Giants interest to re-bloom.  Say what you want about the guy, he’s a beast on the field and a ridiculously tough competitor.  Now I’m left with no Shockey, no Strahan, no Tiki and I’m left with Eli Manning, a whining Plaxico, and a DE that likes to poop on people.  And Tom Coughlin is still an angry old man. I may have to test my fan-hood free agency this summer.

Will this be a good fit for Shockey?  Do they know how to party in New Orleans?  Does Drew Breeze know how to pass?  Do the Saints need someone to make up for Mr. Kardashian?  The answers to all of those questions are yes, you dimwit.

Say good-bye to Jeremy in a Giants uniform, non-believers:

Fox

If there was any proof needed that Jason Taylor is almost done with football, it was submitted today. Taylor was traded to the old-folks home for former players, the Washington Redskins, in a trade for some new curtains, a set of china dishes, and 48 pairs of burgundy and gold crocs.

Actually, the trade was for a second round draft pick and a sixth round draft pick, but considering the way that the Dolphins have drafted the last few years, they probably should have went with the china.

Now all the Redskins have to do is figure out a way to get old man Favre out of Green Bay and they can officially be renamed the Washington Hey You Kids, Get Off My Damn Yardskins.

It’s going to happen. Write it down.

Miami Herald

If you believe the word out of Miami, then the Miami Dolphins are very impressed by the showing that prodigal son Ricky Williams has had so far in workouts.  He’s even managed to impress the Godfather himself.  From the Miami Herald:

He ran with authority, he showed quickness, and he never let himself shift out of top gear, even in drills that didn’t mean much.

Williams, with cartoon superhero muscles bulging out of his jersey sleeves, caught the eyes of anyone paying attention.

No wonder he was the only player Dolphins football czar Bill Parcells congratulated with a fist bump as he was coming to the sideline after one workout.

A fist bump?  Way to jump into the nineties there Billy-boy.  Next thing you know he’ll be slam-dancing and stage diving like all those other crazy kids.  So Ricky has traded in the green dragon in for spinach, huh?  He’s traded being blunted for being buff.  Now, before we jump up and give too much credit for Ricky’s apparent ability to get his curls, squats, and crunches in daily, let’s remember that he’s had an awfully long time to get into shape, because, Lord knows, he hasn’t been playing football.

But I hope that Ricky does comeback.  As we’re seeing with Josh Hamilton, everybody loves a comeback story, and I’m not one of those pretentious talking heads that think that what these guys go through is their own fault, and that they don’t deserve any credit for kicking a self-made problem.  Hey, the fact is that most people’s biggest problems are demons that they’ve created for themselves.  And let’s not forget; the graves are full of people that weren’t able to be saved from those demons.  I’m not comparing Ricky’s Mary Jane use to Josh Hamilton’s severe drug addiction, but there’s no doubt that Ricky has had issues that have hurt him the last several years, and that many of those were self-inflicted.

Williams is going to have the same shot that Hamilton had, but he’s going to have to be successful.  So far, Josh has made the best of his chance.  I hope that Ricky can too, and if he does, I hope that it does get noticed.  Because he will have earned it.

Miami Herald

Good thing: Being supportive of your kids when they screw up.

Bad thing: Having your head so far up your 25-year-old’s rear end that you begin to suspect that you will, indeed, never see the sun again.

From the AP, here’s Matt Jones’s dad on his son’s being arrested for cocaine possession:

“We want to make it clear that Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt,” Steve Jones said in a statement Thursday posted on the Web site of KWNA television station in Fayetteville. “He does not claim any responsibility for the drugs.”

But that’s not what the po-po say:

Police say he was inside a car cutting up cocaine with a credit card before he was arrested.

I expect Matt to deny. That’s what guys do; we deny, deny, deny. We lie a lot.

I claim no responsibility for that Brazilian stripper I used to hang with, either. I think her name was Destiney. I know that destiny doesn’t have an “e” in it, but she didn’t know, and there are better things to do with a drugged-up stripper than give her English lessons. She gets enough of that junk at community college. But, it was a good time, and to this day my girl has no idea.

Until now.

That was pretty dumb of me to admit that here.

Thanks a lot Steve Jones. If you’re idiot son wasn’t a druggie my love life wouldn’t be falling apart in front of the entire Internet. Knucklehead. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Steve Jones is actually this Steve Jones (right) of Sex Pistols fame:

Then I would totally get it that his son is snorting lines off of his Visa.

So this week’s sniffer…whiffer of the week goes to Steve Jones. Keep on enabling daddy. We’ll see how innocent Matty is when he steals your plasma screen. We’ll see how well those Jones Family Values work out for you then.