ThreeStrikesandOut

Yeah, it’s been a bad day for the former “Fastest Man In the World”, Tim Montgomery.

On Friday, Montgomery was sentenced for four years in prison, for forgetting that when you write alot of checks, you need to have alot of money.  If you don’t, you may have to go somewhere where you pay in cigarettes and anal trade.

Things may get even worse for Montgomery, as the judge told him that he’s probably going to get more time for charges of peddling heroin.  Montgomery could get as many as five years.  At least Montgomery had a good defense.  And by good defense, of course I mean that he blamed everyone else:

Montgomery told the judge he had let other people run his life, right down to deciding what to eat for breakfast. And his lawyer, Timothy Heaphy, said Montgomery had been led astray by, among others, track superstar Marion Jones. Jones, who had a son with Montgomery, is serving her own six-month prison term for lying about Montgomery’s involvement in the check scam and about her use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Too bad for Montgomery, he got a smart-ass judge:

” ‘You should commit bank fraud’ is not the same as ‘You should eat Wheaties,’ ” (Judge) Karas said. “There is not a single shred of evidence here that this was anyone else’s fault.”

Oooooooh! Burn!  Montgomery may have made more bad life and career decisions than anyone not named Mike Tyson.  Some of Montgomery’s mistakes:

• Writing bad checks/money laundering
• Possibly using steroids
• Allegedly selling heroin
• Eating Wheaties
• Wearing a white t-shirt and jeans to court
• Getting involved with Marion Jones
• Seeing Marion Jones naked
• Sticking his thingy in Marion Jones
• Getting caught at all of the above

Nothing good comes out of trying to be too fast.  I remember reading a comic when I was a kid, and in it, The Flash got killed trying to save the universe.  I remember thinking “F**k that super-speed s**t, give me the X-Ray vision, so I can see Batgirl’s titties.” Now, looking back on that event years later, I am amazed by the intelligence that I showed as a young pervert.  I mean come on, all the titties that you can look at, or the ability to run a zillion miles an hour?  Do you know how much it would hurt if you ran into a telephone pole going that fast?

Tim Montgomery knows.

Sorry, Tim; I hope you get your life together, but today I’m piling on.  You’re the Whiffer of the Week.

ESPN

Griffey paid back the 1500 bucks that he owed Josh Fogg which is good. It’s always good to pay your bets.

It’s not always good to pay them in pennies, which Griffey did.

Oh well, you know what they say, “pennies is like dollars”, only they’re worth less, they smell funny, and strippers get really, really pissed when you try to stick them down their g-string. “DING!”  I’ve got it! That’s the way to keep PacMan Jones out of the strip club!  Pay him in pennies!

Maybe that’s not such a good idea after all.  Pac might still try to make it rain, and in the process kill a half-dozen people.

SportsbyBrooks

Yep. Definitely, maybe.

Her name is Lindsey and she’s a Michigan State grad, who looks about like any other kinda hot, 21-year-old, recent college girl, is expected to look.

In short, not much of an upgrade there sport. But hey, I bet Dallas fans are happy. Because of course, we all know that Jessica Simpson was the real reason why Tony couldn’t make good decisions in important games. Has nothing at all to do with him being an overrated quarterback who melts in big pressure situations. She was probably stealing small bits of his soul.

But hey, I’m still betting that if Tony and Jessica really broke up, that it was for none of the reasons reported.

Not job stress. Not hectic schedules. Not incompatibility or meeting other people. The reason is simple.

I bet she wouldn’t do anal. You ladies are just going to have to learn, we’re a new generation of successful males, and we’re just not flexible on that issue anymore. If you don’t, it’s definitely a deal-breaker, and will get you dumped. So, when you consider that you’re going to give it up to the next guy as payback to us for leaving, why don’t you just give it to us in the first place and save yourself alot of heartache?

You know what they say, a sore ass is much better than a sore heart.

I’m not sure exactly who says that, but it sounds smart.

Star

Us white people will sue over anything.

Larry Bird is suing the Alaskan couple that bought his childhood home; for using Bird’s name in advertising the bed-and-breakfast that they run from the home. According to Bird’s lawyers:

“The commercialization of Larry Bird’s name in association with this former property is wholly and completely unauthorized and is blatantly being done for the sole purpose of profiting illegally from Larry Bird’s name,” the lawsuit states.

Christopher Cooke, one of the owners, and an Alaskan attorney said that they had a spoken agreement to use the information about the house.

Cooke said he was aware of the trademark but stressed he was given permission to use it.

“They told me we could make truthful statements about Larry’s past,” Cooke said. “Larry even called me and wish us well and thought we would do well.”

He also says that:

Well dammit dude, I guess that he changed his mind.

I mean, if it used to be Larry Bird’s house, I wouldn’t think that there would be any problem with telling people that it used to be Larry Bird’s house, and Bird should have known that anyone who was buying the place to start a business would use the place’s history to drum up business. But then again, Bird’s business sense has helped run the Pacers into the ground, so I guess that I shouldn’t be shocked that he didn’t see this situation coming.

That being said, this poor couple has not a chance in hell of winning this lawsuit. They are in Indiana; and they are being sued by Larry Bird, the biggest star to ever come out of the state of Indiana; check that; he’s the biggest basketball star to ever come out of Indiana. And if there is anything that will cause Indianians to riot it’s basketball. Say something negative about Hoosiers in Bloomington, Indiana and see if your ass doesn’t disappear amidst the corn.

I’m pretty sure that Bird could kill about 12 people and the case would get thrown out; so if he’s suing you, you’re pretty much screwed. Hell, they’ll be lucky if they aren’t tried in criminal court and electrocuted.

Alaskan Daily News

If things keep going the way they are, by the time Mike Vick gets released from the pokie, he may have to borrow some money from Marcus; because that money that the judge said that he could keep is rapidly being circulated in other directions, to other people.

According to the AJC, Vick has now been ordered to pay out $1.1 million to Wachovia Bank to pay back a defaulted loan on a liquor shop and a restaurant.

A summary judgment in favor of Wachovia against Vick was granted in the amount of $1,117,908.85. The figure represents the initial principal balance outstanding ($937,907.61), interest accrued as of Dec. 4, 2007 ($14,596.97), additional interest accruing from Dec. 4, 2007 to May 13, 2008 ($32,507.51 – 161 days at $201.91 per day), outstanding fees ($305.83), overdrawn accounts ($34,064.72) and attorneys fees ($98,526.21). Further interest could be accrued.

Remember that this judgment comes on the heels of Vick being ordered to pay out 2.5 million to the Royal Bank of Canada.

Lets see…2.5+1.1=3.6; add a bunch of zeros equals about 3.6 million dollars, to be added to lost pay, lost endorsements, and lost merchandise sales. Damn, Vick couldn’t have gotten rid of any more money if he’d blown up Uncle Scrooge’s vault.

I’m not sure that Vick climbed high enough to fall this far. I’m still as anti-Vick as I have been, but if he keeps falling he’s going to pass up Wil E. Coyote, Alice, and the dollar on his way down. If I was Vick, when I got out of prison, I’d stay as far away from animals as I could. I wouldn’t even watch Lassie. And I’d hit the first mf’r that suggests watching Turner and Hooch.