ThreeStrikesandOut

You only thought he was fast when he set the world record in the 100 at a 9.72, because Usain Bolt had a little something for everybody else in winning the gold medal in the 100.

That something was shattering his own record by running a 9.69 after sliding out of the blocks and pulling up as he ran through the finish. From ESPN:

Bolt is 6-foot-5, one reason he was never really pegged to run the 100 — men that tall aren’t supposed to be able to get out of the starting blocks and start accelerating fast enough to win the shortest sprint.

Bolt actually skidded from the blocks in this one — not perfect, but then again, he didn’t really need to be. He needed 41 strides to cover the 100 meters and practically loped past the finish line, looking to his right but finding nobody there.

When he crossed, he kept running about halfway around the track. He did a hip-swiveling dance, blew kisses to the crowd, clowned around with arms out like a bird in flight, and held up the Jamaican flag. Later, he took off his golden spikes, which will, of course, look great next to his gold medal.

Then he proceeded to pull up, moon the crowd, and start yelling at his competitors that they “Can’t See Me!”.

Well, okay, that last part was fictional.

9.69. Damn, that’s fast. Britney Spears couldn’t finish off a piece of chocolate cake in 9.69 seconds. Unless she had extra milk. Then maybe, she could challenge for the gold.

This record is significant in that someone ran less than a 9.70 for the first time (without outside influences). This record is just a testament to the tremendous evolution of the human condition over time, and it shows us how far we’ve come over the years. At least, until you go down to McDonalds and see some tub o’lard ordering five happy meals for him and his fat kids and you realize that we’re really not that advanced after all.

World-Record Video Until It Gets Pulled:

Bien hund - MyVideo

ESPN

Down where? You know where. From the LA Times:

They are victims of an ailment that has swept through the team during training camp, something that coaches refer to as “a skin irritation.”

The players call it “jock itch.”While dislocated kneecaps and high ankle sprains draw more attention, Coach Pete Carroll said he has never seen anything like the minor outbreak that caused key players to miss practice Wednesday.

As much as 25% of the team has been affected by the apparent run of tinea cruris, kicker David Buehler estimated. The condition seems to have spread by way of new compression shorts, or tights, worn under their football pants.

Tailback Joe McKnight and receiver Travon Patterson were sufficiently afflicted to spend Wednesday’s practice on the sideline.

“It burns,” Patterson said.

You think this is bad Mr. Patterson? Wait until you guys play on the road. The signs and chants are going to be priceless. Some suggestions? Sure, don’t mind if I do:

• USC=University of Stinky Crotch
• Trojans Don’t Prevent Jock Itch
• I Got This From A USC Cheerleader
• You’ve Got Cooties (clap, clap) You’ve Got Cooties (repeat for tons of fun)
• Wash Your Jock! Wash Your Jock!
• Got Itch?
• Pete Carroll Stole My Baby Powder!
• ABC=America’s Burning Crotch

The possibilities are endless. I do have a question about this whole little article. How in the world do you get that many guys to admit that their crotch has gone radioactive? You know there are chicks at USC who are circling the names in this article going, “Not doing him now, not doing him now, not doing him ever”.

I’m going to end this post now, because there’s really nothing funny about jock itch.

Just ask these guys:

Five questions that I would totally not have the balls to ask Michael Phelps, and unlikely possible (fictional) answers that he might give:

Warning to those of you without a sense of humor, this post is satirical in nature, not a real interview with Mr. Phelps (for real, the guy is in China), now stop reading and go drink some sewer water:

TSAO: So Michael, congratulations on your performance. How does it feel to have people talking about you possibly winning eight gold medals?

Fake Mike: Just trying to get this cheddah yo. You know it’s all about the bling-bling.

TSAO: Really? I never had you pegged as a gangsta. If that’s the case, what did you think about the French team talking junk before your meet the other night?

Fake Mike: Thought I was gonna come out the pool firing on bitches. I’ll pop a cap in a Frenchy like that!

TSAO: Good to know. After taking the Olympics by storm, how does it feel to be the role model for a whole generation of American kids who have never really been that into swimming?

Fake Mike: I’m nobody’s role model. If they come up and try to be like me, I’ll just have to beat them too. No hard feelings, that’s just the way I roll. These is my medals. They need to go play baseball or something and leave the pool to me. It’s my ground. I ain’t playin’; I’ll end somebody.

TSAO: What do you think of Mark Spitz not being there to watch you possibly break his record of eight gold medals?

Fake Mike: Don’t want him there. He might try to start something. The world should know, it ain’t nothing for Michael Phelps to smack a Spitz.

TSAO: Er…Okay. Final question. What do you think of critics that say that the new suit is helping swimmers achieve times that there is no way they could naturally achieve. I even heard one person say that the suit was the same as steroids. What do you think of those claims.

Fake Mike: Man, let those punks say that to Michael Phelps’ face. I’m all real. Don’t you know steroids shrink your boys down? Please, Michael Phelps is all male. I’ll beat their asses in a speedo, in a swimsuit, in trunks, or in my bare ass. Please. This interview is over, Michael Phelps has medals to go win.

TSAO: Best of luck Michael, it must be great having your life?

Fake Mike: It’s like Puffy say man, mo money, mo problems.

TSAO: For shizzle.

Fake Mike: Whatever. You ain’t got sh**. Now get out of here while Michael Phelps lets you walk away.

TSAO: Whatever, Aquaman.

Fake Mike: What did you call me! Yeah, that’s right you better run. Good thing for you we’re on land or I would have already beaten you into oblivion! Somebody get me a slip and slide so I can catch this punk!

TSAO: Later, dude.

Bruce “Born in the USA” Springsteen will be your halftime entertainment at the 2009 Super Bowl.

This decision had to be made because the NFL was upset about all the hip, young, pot-smoking fans that youngster Tom Petty brought in this past Super Bowl.  Way to nip that junk in the bud NFL!  Good lord, could we just forget about that nipple slip and get somebody relevant today, or at least yesterday?

The last few Super Bowl halftime shows reads like a musical nursing home.  But if I could go back in time, I think that the acts could have been spiced up a little.

2005:  Paul McCartney

Preferable to McCartney: Digging up the corpse of John Lennon and playing “Let it Be” in the background while sacrificing Yoko Ono to the rock gods.  With a very dull knife.

2006:  The Rolling Stones

Preferable to the Stones: Digging up the corpse of Keith Richards…Wait, never mind.  There is no truth to the rumor that Keith Richards taught Matt Jones everything that he knows.

2007:  Prince

Preferable to Prince: Morris Day and the Time come out and challenge Prince to a battle of the bands, which Prince wins, by going Guitar Hero on Day and his henchmen, while also incinerating in blue flames, all those fill-ins that rush the stage like they give a flying flip about the artist playing.  Half of them were just stains on a teenage boy’s sheets when Prince came out with Purple Rain.

2008:  Tom Petty

Preferable to Petty: Tom Petty and the Pussycat Dolls.

2009:  Bruce Springsteen

Preferable to Bruce: Bryan Adams.  Oh wait, sorry to spoil next year’s show, NFL. 

In news that caused me to shake my head and go ew, the Nebraska Cornhuskers have had to kick two wrestlers off of their wrestling team. What for?  For having naked pictures of themselves put on the Internet, that’s what. From ESPN via wherever they get their stuff from these days:

Two Nebraska wrestlers, including one who won an NCAA championship in 2007, have been dismissed from the team after posing naked for videos and photographs on an Internet pornography site.

Paul Donahoe and Kenny Jordan were let go Tuesday, three days after a blog posted images of them taken from Fratmentv.com, a Web site featuring naked or partially clothed male athletes.

“The history of behavior of these men, including the current matter, does not reflect the standard of excellence we aspire to on and off the mat,” coach Mark Manning said in a statement. “We have outstanding student-athletes in our program and we will move forward in a positive manner toward our goals.

“I want to personally apologize for any embarrassment that may have been caused for our athletic department, the university and our fans.”

But, at least this guy has their…ahem, backs:

John Marsh, who operates Fratmentv.com and two related Web sites catering to gay men, said he’s spoken with Donahoe and Jordan and that both indicated they want to continue as college wrestlers. He said Donahoe was a “dynamite” wrestler.

“If Nebraska is going to be pigheaded and kick him off unreasonably,” Marsh said, “there has to be another wrestling program that’s going to want him.”

Marsh said most photo and video shoots are done in Los Angeles, where Fratmentv.com is based, but that some are done at other locations. Members of Fratmentv.com pay $24.99 for access to hundreds of images and videos.

Marsh wouldn’t say how much he pays models or how he hires them.

“It’s not money that they would be making working as a waiter,” he said. “They get well-compensated. It’s better than beer money.”

I don’t know, beer money sounds like pretty good money to me. I mean, there’s enough comedy in the world without me contributing to it like that. I am content to contribute to the worlds laughter through this website and not through posting pictures of my garter snake for the whole world to see. There’s just no need for any guy to do that, right Sean?

There’s also some small irony in this happening on a team nicknamed the Corn Huskers. If you can’t figure that one out, I’m not going to help you with a visual.  Boy, if this had happened with say, the USC beach volleyball team, it might be the greatest story ever.  As it is, I’m a little creeped out by it.  I mean, I guess what they did wasn’t really that bad, but it’s completely deserving of a dude and a smack to the cranium.  It would be funny to know who narced on them though.  And exactly how this news came to the athletic director’s notice.  Hmmmmm.

Damn, I’ve got to be extra careful how I tag this post. If I’m not. this could go all kinds of bad.

When it comes to wrestlers posing nekkid, this ticks me off so much. Trish Stratus won’t pose naked, but these two clowns do. Oh well, they’re the ones that will have to live this down. The baseball player who did a gay porno thinks they may have trouble going on with their lives. Time will tell. Now allow me to give you guys out there something hot to make up for this post (forgive me ladies, it’s the dog in me):

Now give me a thong shot:

That’ll do, that will do.

It’s much easier to tag this post now.