ThreeStrikesandOut

Apparently, Eric Gagné  doesn’t want to talk about his steroid use and his name showing up in the Mitchell Report.  According to the New York Times:

Speaking without notes and with both hands in the pockets of his warm-up jacket, Gagné said: “I’m just here to help the Milwaukee Brewers get to the World Series and get to the playoffs. That’s all I really care about. And since 2004, Major League Baseball has done everything in their power to clean up the game and I think they’ve done a great job. Right now I just want to go forward, and I’m thinking Major League Baseball is ready to go forward and hopefully all the fans are ready to do that.”

Eric my boy it doesn’t surprise me that you don’t want to talk about steroids.  It surprises me that you want to talk about baseball after last year.  It surprises me that you were able to get a job after absolutely disintegrating down the stretch for the Sox last year.  Eric, you were not a part of that Red Sox team that won the World Series, they won it in spite of you and your meltdowns.

That arm that used to be so dominant, has had absolutely nothing left in it since baseball started testing for steroids.  Gagné’s arm is so dead that I expect vultures and buzzards to mob him the next time that he climbs the mound, and to carry it off to feed their babies.  Oh well, as least then he’ll have finally made a contribution to the world.

Andy Pettitte had at least one big understatement during his news conference today.  When asked about his relationship with Roger Clemens, Pettitte admitted that the whole steroids thing had put a damper on their relationship.  According to FoxSports:

Andy Pettitte has not spoken to Roger Clemens since giving a sworn statement which implicated his good friend in the use of human growth hormone.

“I think it’s put a strain on our friendship,” Pettitte said in an eagerly awaited news conference Monday at the New York Yankees’ spring training complex.

I guess so.  Good thing that you guys are baseball players and (more…)

The census of Roger Clemens’ fantasy land shows a population of at least two.

 Clemens’ former battery-mate Jorge Posada, told ESPN that he “believes Clemens”,  despite not watching any of Clemens or Brian McNamee’s testimony before Congress.

“He sounded real truthful the other day and that’s all I wanted to hear,” Posada told reporters Friday at the Yankees spring training complex. “I believe Roger. That’s the guy I believe.”

He sounded “honest”?  If the definition of sounding honest is sounding confused and sweating under questioning like two mice screwing in a little sock; then I guess an argument can be made that Clemens’ sounded honest.  What are we doing asking Clemens’ former teammates anyways?  Do you think they really want to get into whether or not he was on ’roids, and open that Pandora’s Box?  Hell, if Clemens had helped get me a World Series Championship like he did Posada, I would be screaming his innocence from the roof of my house. 

In related news, Jorge also asked if anyone knew why his letters to Santa Claus got returned to sender,and if anyone knew whether or not Easter Bunny is really the bunny’s name or if it is just a nickname like “Rocket”.  He was told the bunny’s real name was Sam, at which he jumped up and down and clapped his hands like a little school-girl.

According to ESPN.com, federal investigators are saying that Barry Bonds, he of the enormous melon, failed a drug test after smacking his 73rd home-run in 2001.  According to the article:

“At trial, the government’s evidence will show that Bonds received steroids from Anderson in the period before the November 2001 positive drug test, and that evidence raises the inference that Anderson gave Bonds the steroids that caused him to test positive in November 2001,” U.S. Attorney Joseph Russoniello wrote.

It’ll be good to have some more proof in the Bonds case, but honestly, does it really matter at this point?  I don’t need an expert to tell me that water is wet, fire is hot, or that syphilis is bad.  The only people that believe that Barry never took steroids are people that are nevergoing to believe Barry took them.  It’s like that R. Kelly skit on Dave Chappelle’s Show.  Some people wouldn’t believe that their hero did steroids, if the FBI had pictures of Barry with his pants down, while Greg Anderson shoots him in the ass with a syringe, while Barry’s grandmamma holds baby pictures of him up to the camera, and the CBS CSI team runs his DNA. 

It’s tired; it’s played out.  He cheated.  Roger cheated.  Pettitte cheated.  Belichick cheated.  Clinton cheated before it was cool to cheat. I’ve heard so much about cheating lately that I’m going to call my girl and accuse her of it.

Photo found on PracticalReasoning.org.

Update:  According to ESPN.com, the report that said Bonds failed a drug test was erroneous, due to a typo:

In fact, the government meant to reference a previously reported November 2000 failed drug test that was included in the indictment unsealed last year, U.S. attorney spokesman Josh Eaton said.

The mistake prompted a flurry of erroneous reports on television and Web sites around the country.

I’ve learned a great deal about steroids in the last few years.  More than a skinny bastard like me really ever wanted to know.  I’ve learned that it can make you lots of money, but I’ve also learned that steroids can have terrible side-effects.  I’ve learned much about the apparent dangers of steroid abuse.  Here are a few of the effects that steroids have had on the men (and ladies) who ”allegedly” used them. 

• They make you forget/misremember conversations with your BFF.  Andy Pettitte
• They make your head swell up to the size off Dolly Parton’s boobs.  Barry Bonds
• They give you more acne than Jessica Simpson before the makeup and the Proactiv.  Jason Giambi
• They make it physically impossible to come within 1000 feet of hitting a first baseman’s mitt.  Chuck Knobloch
• They turn your grapefruits into kiwis.  Jose Canseco
• They turn a woman into a man.  Marion Jones
• They make you forget English.   Sammy Sosa
• They make you break noses.  Bill Romanowski
• They make you make movies that suck.  Brian Bosworth
• They make you disappear in front of a camera like a pair of Britney Spears’ panties.  Mark McGwire
• They make you forget that you used them.  Roger Clemens
• And the final effect of steroids; they make you be on my damn television all the time.  Congress