ThreeStrikesandOut

Yeah, it’s been a bad day for the former “Fastest Man In the World”, Tim Montgomery.

On Friday, Montgomery was sentenced for four years in prison, for forgetting that when you write alot of checks, you need to have alot of money.  If you don’t, you may have to go somewhere where you pay in cigarettes and anal trade.

Things may get even worse for Montgomery, as the judge told him that he’s probably going to get more time for charges of peddling heroin.  Montgomery could get as many as five years.  At least Montgomery had a good defense.  And by good defense, of course I mean that he blamed everyone else:

Montgomery told the judge he had let other people run his life, right down to deciding what to eat for breakfast. And his lawyer, Timothy Heaphy, said Montgomery had been led astray by, among others, track superstar Marion Jones. Jones, who had a son with Montgomery, is serving her own six-month prison term for lying about Montgomery’s involvement in the check scam and about her use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Too bad for Montgomery, he got a smart-ass judge:

” ‘You should commit bank fraud’ is not the same as ‘You should eat Wheaties,’ ” (Judge) Karas said. “There is not a single shred of evidence here that this was anyone else’s fault.”

Oooooooh! Burn!  Montgomery may have made more bad life and career decisions than anyone not named Mike Tyson.  Some of Montgomery’s mistakes:

• Writing bad checks/money laundering
• Possibly using steroids
• Allegedly selling heroin
• Eating Wheaties
• Wearing a white t-shirt and jeans to court
• Getting involved with Marion Jones
• Seeing Marion Jones naked
• Sticking his thingy in Marion Jones
• Getting caught at all of the above

Nothing good comes out of trying to be too fast.  I remember reading a comic when I was a kid, and in it, The Flash got killed trying to save the universe.  I remember thinking “F**k that super-speed s**t, give me the X-Ray vision, so I can see Batgirl’s titties.” Now, looking back on that event years later, I am amazed by the intelligence that I showed as a young pervert.  I mean come on, all the titties that you can look at, or the ability to run a zillion miles an hour?  Do you know how much it would hurt if you ran into a telephone pole going that fast?

Tim Montgomery knows.

Sorry, Tim; I hope you get your life together, but today I’m piling on.  You’re the Whiffer of the Week.

ESPN

Never had the opportunity to combine these two non-existent awards, but hell, there’s a first time for everything, and I really don’t want to do two posts for this, so here we go:

The Whiffer of the Week comes to us from the Florida Gators, in the person of one Jamar Hornsby, who has been using a stolen credit card for several months.  It’s bad enough to use a stolen credit card, but when it’s the stolen credit card of a dead girl, it takes on a new kind of evil.  Hornsby allegedly got the card while helping the girl’s boyfriend clean out her room, after her death in an accident.

Your Site of the Night is EDSBS for their fine post on this terrible subject.  Post complete with FulmerCup Update.

Until next time folks, I have nothing to add to this post.

Quote:

On the Cavs attitude: “They beat us two years in a row (in the playoffs) and last year, they gave us a spanking you know, so they have that swagger. When they walk into our gym they feel like they are at home so we have to take that away from them. We’ve got to stop playing around with them, laughing and joking because we know those guys. We have to take those guys serious.”

DeShawn was obviously holding back in that session with reporters around his locker. When he was leaving the building, Mike Lee was chatting him up and mentioned LeBron again. DeShawn has obviously heard enough of that.

“He’s overrated,” DeShawn told Mike. “And you can say I said that” (Washington Post).

Thank you DeShawn Stevenson of the Washington Wizards, for saying something dumb enough to get the best (or second-best) player in the NBA fired up enough to treat the Wizards like an ugly girl at the prom. Another memo to DeShawn, if people have to refer to your team after your name so that people will know who you are; you have no business calling out anyone. You don’t have the right to call out the pizza delivery guy for being late with your Supreme, much less, the right to call out King James.

Scoreboard:

Cavs:

2-0 series lead.

LeBron James stats:

31/7.5/8

DeShawn Stevenson stats:

7.5/0.5/3.5

M’Fer, how do you average .5 rebounds over two games?  I could average two rebounds just off of missed shots that hit me on the f’n head and landed in front of me. Stevenson calling LeBron James overrated is like the paperboy hating on me because I drive a car and he rides a bike. Both of you need to take the training wheels off, where I’m from only grown-ups ride in the front.

The Wizards are not going to win this series unless an asteroid lands on LeBron’s Hummer while he’s on the way to the arena, but Stevenson is going to win something; he’s this week’s Whiffer of the Week.

Here’s LeBron being over-rated. Oh and who’s that guy he’s dunking on? Nah, couldn’t be the same number two in the Wizards jersey as pictured above could it? I’d like to see the Wizards make a series of this, as I love the Arenas/James match-up, and if Arenas had made these comments I wouldn’t have a problem with them. Arenas is good. Stevenson is not.

I warned you Detroit, I really did. I’ve tried to ignore how terrible your season has been so far, and I really wanted to give the Whiffer this to Penn State; for having one player masturbate in the library and another player try to kill someone over a cell-phone case, but then I watched you guys get rolled by the White Sox on Sunday and I knew there was only one real candidate this week. The Tigers got hammered 11-0, Kenny Rogers couldn’t have found the plate if he’d had a CSI team helping him look for it, and it really wouldn’t have mattered if he had found the plate, because once again the Tigers’ bats made about as much noise as a corpse at a funeral, making this the third time that Rogers has pitched and the third time that he has gotten zero runs in support. Jesus, guys, I don’t like Rogers either, but you could be a little less obvious about

I know it’s early in the season, but there is no way that this team should be 2-10 and have the worst record in baseball. I agree, the pitching has always been iffy, and the 5.94 team ERA shows that, but for God’s sake, I thought that this team would be able to hit better than .235 with seven homers, twelve games into the season.

And they gave up two grand slams to the White Sox on Sunday.  Two.

It’s early, it’s early, but the Tigers are playing like crap, and manager Jim Leyland is about to go nuts. He was heard yelling at the team after the game, and told the press:

“Where we’re at makes sense because that’s the way we’ve played,” Leyland said. “It’s not surprising that we’re 2-10. We’ve been shut out four times. … I didn’t think we’d get shut out four times all year, to be honest with you.”

He didn’t elaborate on what he said during his rant on the team, but he mentioned that there was one thing that happened during the game that really pissed him off…then he didn’t say what that one thing was:

“There was one thing that sticks out to me right now that’s going on, and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back,” Leyland said, without revealing the issue.

“We’re just in a funk,” he added. “Can I get them out of the funk? No, I don’t think so. They have to get themselves out of it.”

The Tigers have plenty of time to get themselves back into contention.  But right now they suck dick through a straw.  They can’t pitch and they can’t hit, and they are spending alot of money, to not be good at those two small details.  Good thing for the players that they still remember where the bank is, so they can keep right on cashing those checks.

Congrats to this week’s Whiffer(s) of the Week; your Detroit Tigers.

Hang in there Tigers fan, it’s got to get better.

I hope that famous people keep being knuckleheads, because picking the Whiffer of the Week is one of my favorite things, and I’m not really sure why I stopped doing it.  But, that being said, the inspiration for me to bring back the Whiffer had absolutely nothing to do with sports. It had to do with this guy (see below video), who I saw on Don Chavez, o he of all the naked people. I’m sure that there are alot of guys who feel like this dude does, but we…they like getting laid entirely too much to say it.  Honestly, if I’ve ever seen an argument against evolution it’s this guy, whose opinions about women are so Stone Age that he might honestly be the only Neanderthal left in the world. So in honor of the NCAA Women’s Championship tonight between Tennessee/Stanford, I decree that this week’s Whiffer of The Week is Dick Masterson. Dick Master Son. Yeah I’m sure that’s real.  Pat Summitt would totally beat the fuck out of this guy inside the Octagon. And I’m not just calling this guy a loser because I want more women to read the site and think I’m sensitive and sweet.  Really. But I do love puppies and long deep kisses that go on forever.

Warning: Female readers must resist the urge to hit your computer with a shoe.

Also, a memo to the Detroit Tigers: win a game soon fellas, this guy barely nudged out your 0-7 asses for the Whiffer.  Win a game; God knows your payrolls high enough (yeah, a Yankee fan making fun of another team’s payroll, that’s pretty good). 

Don Chavez